At approximately 9:37am, Korean Standard Time, the Korean pennensula was eradicated. Before destroying Seoul to move on to the rest of the world, our new benevolent and merciful masters saw the cultural benefit of In Between Soju, and allowed the author to continue his worthless and near-meaningless existence on their home planet of Aiur. This post has been transmitted from the Carrier Xel’Naga.
The world has ended. We all knew it was coming, and we had anticipated something like a meteor, tsunami, or some Earth-borne disaster.
We weren’t expected it to be the f*cking Protoss.
Around 7:30 KST, a fleet of 10 Protoss Carriers, 25 Void Rays, 16 Scouts, 5 Arbiters, and a mothership suddenly warped into Low Earth Orbit directly above Gangnam. The Protoss beamed a transmission to all television stations and smartphone devices. Below is the full text:
Greetings, proto-Terran people of South Korea. We, the mighty Protoss, have decided that the time for your destruction has come. Although we have watched you from afar with some distrust, recent events have caused us to decree your eradication. Your erring flaw was the production, distribution, and obsession over the phenomenon “Gangnam Style.” We, the invincible people of the Khala, looked on as one of your kind danced around on a imaginary horse for four and a half minutes with some amusement at first, then uneasy humor, then annoyance, then rage. We understand that this video has been viewed over one billion times on your pitiful planet, and is threatening to expand to other systems beyond yours. We cannot allow this to happen. We are seriously f*&cking tired of that song. Therefore, we have decided that your species must be culled from this galaxy. You have brought this upon yourself. Go back to your Bunkers and await the inevitable.
It appeared that North Korea was the first to fall under the wrath of the Protoss Armies. Although the North maintained a massive army of North Korean Marines, these forces were swiftly wiped out. We have learned that the Protoss dispatched a troop of sixteen Dark Templars on the Northern part of the peninsula. These sixteen cloaked warriors slaughtered every Marine, Medic, Firebat, Siege Tank, and Vulture the North had in its arsenal. When they reboarded this carrier from where I am writing now, I overheard them snickering to themselves, saying things like “Seriously? They didn’t have a single Detector?? Not even a fucking Missile Turret?” and “I can’t believe they didn’t even build Ghosts. No EMP, or Lockdown? Shit that was easy.”
After having dispatched with the North, our new exalted masters turned their justified rage on the people of the South. Having landed a mixed group of Zealots, Stalkers, and High Templars reinforced with Sentries, they quickly swept through the neighborhoods of Gangnam, Seocho, and Dongjak. North of the River, the Protoss landed twelve Colossi to destroy Myeongdong and City Hall.
The South Korean military put up a valiant defense. They dispatched several Battlecruisers and Wraiths immediately upon the entrance of the Protoss fleet into its airspace, but these were swiftly dealt with. The Protoss sucked half of this fleet into a Warp Hole opened by the mothership and destroyed it, then dealt with the second half when it returned from the warp.
The American military attempted to assist the South Korean forces, but a good half of them were breaking curfew in the local taverns of Seoul Pub, Old Town Seoul, and the Grand Ole’ Opry. When asked for comment, the commander of the American Forces in South Korea had this to say:
Nobody ever wanted us here anyway, and now that the Protoss have wiped out Busan, Daegu, Ulsan, and Pohang and are now threatening Seoul the South Koreans want help? Screw that, the boys and I are gonna hit up Haebeoncheon one more time and get some of those kickass sandwiches at Casablanca, because seriously, they’re kickass. And we’re gonna get some of that Geumgang Black Ale at Craftworks, because I’ll be damned if I go out with the taste of Hite still on my breath.
Psy, the South Korean rap artist who was responsible for producing “Gangnam Style” and thus ensuring the eradication of the human race, fled South Korea and sought protection in the United States. He was met at immigration with angry protestors, apparently still upset with his anti-American comments calling for the slaughter of the American military forces and their families.
Before the Protoss finished their destruction of the Earth, Psy was executed on live TV by the Dark Templar High Commander Zeratul, who, before severing his head with his psionic blade, shouted Oppan Aiur Style!
If you are alive and reading this, the Protoss advise you to report to the nearest Warp Prism, those floating crystal things that you should be seeing in the air. You will be screened for any Gangnam Style contamination and then impressed into the Zealot corps for an impending attack on Saturn because, as the stated by the Protoss high command, “who the f*ck does Saturn think it is with those big ass gaudy rings?”
All hail the Conclave!
